Archives for 2008

It’s feeling like this that makes you wonder how many pills are in the cabinet.

Feeling like your skin doesn’t quite fit, an itchy, crawly restlessness that no amount of motion will shake off: too hot; too cold; too bright in here; it’s too dark to read in this light; why did I pick this book anyway; it’s breakfastlunchdinner time and yet I’m not hungry but McDonald’s sounds like a good idea.

Nothing works, nothing fits, and there is no solution to this cross, crabby feeling, like you woke up 30° off center with the entire universe. You don’t mean to snap at your relativegirlboyfriend who really truly just want to make you feel better but you don’t have access to anything except this bubbling, formless discomfort. Puking it out on to them in snappish tones, sarcasm, and rolling eyes doesn’t help either as it’s endless, like a gas that just expands and expands and expands to fill whatever space is available inside you ballooning you to twicethreefour times your normal size even though part of you feels as small as a dried up pea that rolled under the couch and isn’t discovered until the lease is up, the furniture moved, and the place is getting cleaned to get back the security deposit.

It’s feeling like this, among other reasons, that people seek the oblivion of the nod, the high, the confidence that a snort or two from one of those bottles in the cabinet seems to bring. It’s why so many of us overspend, overeat, yell at our kids, and watch too much TV.

Narcotized we stumble through our lives not searching for the answers, not looking inside to figure out why we feel like this but instead howling like infants who just want the pain, discomfort, and fear to go. away. not realizing that this, this feeling like nothing fits, like nothing will ever be right again is an opportunity, a chance to find out what is here at off-center and whether or not we want to stay.

It’s feeling like this that makes people think oblivion is a better alternative even if it is only the temporary kind.

Some extremely self-righteous folks will tell you that “buy nothing day” means just that: buy nothing. Don’t use the Internet (that’s buying access), don’t watch cable (that’s buying TV), don’t go to the movies, eat out, go to the grocery or make a trip to the hardware store.

Those of us without our heads firmly planted up our asses realize that the intent of buy nothing day is to remove us from consumer culture, to actively decline to participate in the locust like devouring of resources and trashing the planet.

So today while I will put money into the economy in the form of doing my regular, weekly grocery shopping (seriously, do kitty litter, milk, eggs, and maxi pads contribute to consumer culture?) I’m also not rushing out to the mall to buy a lot of stuff that I don’t really need and have no place to store.

I am grateful for my life, not just the good parts but the bad as well. They may suck while they’re happening but at least they mean I am still alive.

But isn’t it better to be grateful daily than to be a bastard most of the time and save up the goodness for the “holiday season?” The Washington Post published a blurb in today’s Business section about gratitude in the workplace:

If you haven’t thanked a co-worker this week, you’re behind on your gratitude quota. That could cost you professionally and personally.

Gratitude can inspire workers to produce: an Adecco/Harris Interactive survey last year found two-thirds of respondents in their 20s and early 30s said they work harder if they get more thanks.

And those who dole out thanks are more energetic, healthier and have more connections with people, says Charles D. Kerns, a Pepperdine associate professor of applied behavioral science. Citing his own and others’ research, he notes that gratitude enhances optimism and reduces stress.

He distinguishes gratitude from performance rewards such as bonuses. Gratitude is more personal and creates a positive culture.

Gratitude also fosters goodwill, loyalty and productivity, all of which could be valuable in a poor economy. “The expression of gratitude may help one adapt to life’s challenges,” Kerns says.

“Gratitude is one emerging area . . . that appears to have a place in the workplace to help produce happy high-performers.”

And that’s true every day, not just on Thanksgiving.

– “Working,” by Vickie Elmer, The Washington Post, Thursday, November 27, 2008; Page D02

and given that we go this from our BigBoss yesterday:

You. I am grateful that I get to work with all of you and that we had a successful year, even if we had to fly by the seat of our pants for most of it. Thanks for all of the great work you all do every day.

[Our organization] has an amazing team. I’m thankful to be part of it.

I would say most of us know these things to be true.

So, make a resolution to say thank you to someone you wouldn’t normally say thank you to: the person who makes your sandwich at Subway, someone who holds the door for you on the way into a public building, your spouse or roommate when she does something that really is her chore to do anyway, and see how it feels. Before I go bake cheesy bread I leave you with this:

Hollywood is never kind to women who have sexual or romantic relationships with other women. Whether it’s on film or TV, lesbians or bisexual women often turn out to be villains and frequently end up dead at some point during the course of the script. The Children’s Hour (1934 and 1961) to The Fox to Basic Instinct on the silver screen are but a few examples of films in which a non-hetero woman ends up demonized or dead at worst, or no longer in a same-sex relationship at best. Personal Best, long held up as example of forward progress for its portrayal of a female same-sex relationship, ends with the main character in a relationship with a man. Television treats women who express same-sex affection no better.

Television excels at portraying women in same-sex relationships as desperate in their deviance: from 1977’s In the Glitter Palace in which a bisexual woman asks her former boyfriend to defend her lesbian lover against murder charges to My Two Loves in 1986 in which a woman grieving the death of her husband is coaxed into a same-sex relationship to the otherwise imminently wonderful Battlestar Galactica in which the Number 6 models are entirely flexible when it comes to their sexuality and their desire to exterminate the human race.

More often, though, same-sex expressions of sexuality or romantic feeling are portrayed as acts of desperation engaged in by women who aren’t in their right minds, women who, once they are on the “right” path manifest realization of the error of their ways and the regaining of their sanity through relationships with men.

I had hoped, though, that after Ellen, in a TV season with the highest number of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered characters ever seen on television, that we had grown past the lesbian relationship equals unhappiness/heterosexual relationship equals happiness dynamic. Tuesday I learned that, unfortunately, we have not.

Be Warned: Here There Be Spoilers

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I watch House M.D. for a number of reasons. I like Hugh Laurie. Gregory House is an annoying, fascinating character who violates all principles of social etiquette and is allowed to get away with it. The show routinely features good dialogue that sets a disturbingly high bar for how real people might talk. The past two seasons, though, have showcased House’s new team which includes the bisexual Thirteen (aka: Dr. Remy Hadley) played by the entirely not hard on the eyes Olivia Wilde.

If you don’t follow the show the thumbnail sketch is this: after many shenanigans last season Thirteen finally gives in and gets a DNA test to find out whether or not she has Huntington’s disease (degenerative disorder that results loss of mental faculties, uncontrolled movements, and emotional disturbances). Her positive diagnosis results in some rather nihilistic behavior: drug taking, sex with a lot of random female partners, and generally cranky disinclination to do anything to ameliorate the on-set or severity of the disease. Basically, after learning she’s only got about a decade to live, Thirteen has essentially given up on life. That is until last night.

Last night’s episode involves a gunman who takes House, Thirteen, and several patients hostage in his desperate search for a diagnosis. Long story short: we end up with a scenario where, after some failed trickery by House, the gunman forces Thirteen to take first every medication House says he should take to make sure they aren’t knockout drugs or something fatal.

By the end of the episode, Thirteen is going into renal failure and the last drug could, potentially, kill her. Her revelatory moment – that she doesn’t want to die – comes with syringe in hand and a gun to her head.

Over the course of the season Dr. Eric Foreman (Omar Epps) has been pestering Thirteen about her treatment regimen, or lack there of, and by the end of last night’s episode Thirteen is prepared enter herself in a clinical trial of a new Huntington’s drug that Foreman is running, a trial she refused to even consider before the hostage situation and her revelation.

It was a good episode overall, dramatic, interesting, and showcasing the characters that I like. And then I opened up last week’s Entertainment Weekly and read this in “The Ausiello Files“:

Q: Any exciting surprises coming up on House? —Yolanda
A: Yes, and they all seem to be jammed into the Dec. 9 episode. In addition to the first-ever smooch between budding lovebirds Foreman and Thirteen, the holiday-themed outing also boasts a show-altering twist that is nothing short of a miracle. A true-blue spectacle, if you will. A miracle come true. (Hint: It doesn’t involve a Barry Manilow cameo. I swear.)

Now, I get that House is a drama that thrives on tension between the characters, and nothing breeds more tension in a workplace environment than two characters having sex (or romance). And as a writer I get why they’d pair these two characters up: House is a male dominated show; the only two other female characters, Dr. Allison Cameron (Jennifer Morrison) and Dr. Lisa Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein) are already spoken for. Introducing another female character wouldn’t work: that tension wouldn’t exist with a new character.

From a character development perspective having Thirteen get involved in a romantic relationship now that she’s out of her nihilistic funk makes sense as well: nothing says “life” like love (or sex depending upon how much of a romantic you are).

But no matter how much I understand it as a writer and as someone used to analyzing texts, it still irks the living shit out of me that now that Thirteen is ready to embrace life, now that she’s admitted that she really does care about whether she lives or dies, they’re pushing her into a relationship with a guy.

I guess we’re a far cry from The Children’s Hour but the continued equation of lesbian relationships with miserable, self-destructive deviance seems to be hanging around like the odor of rotten fruit.

I loathe job interviews. They are, in fact, the thing I am worst at: selling myself.

I’m not sure if I’m bad at this because I’m an introvert (yes, I know, all evidence to the contrary) or because I am, at base, somehow convinced that I’m ATAABOC and just don’t understand why everyone else doesn’t immediate perceive that and judge me based on my concrete achievements rather than whether or not I hold up well under direct questioning. I’m going to go with some of both, heavily weighted toward the introvert explanation.

The thing is, when a job interview goes really bad, I can usually tell. Like one I had a couple of years ago where the department supervisor asked me how I would handle on a Monday morning the work flow on:

• a press release for a press conference happening that afternoon.
• a request for a web site update from a department that hadn’t updated their content in 6 months.
• a change request for something that was incorrect on the site.
• a request from a senior manager for training a new staff member.

If I didn’t know it was physically impossible I would say that a sign lit up over my head that read “I’ve got 8 years’ experience in my field and you’re asking me how I’d prioritize these tasks. You’re shitting me.” Regardless, that was the moment that I not only blew my chances at that job but also decided that I didn’t want to work there anyway.

How today’s went, I don’t know. I just keep reminding myself: I am interviewing them as much as they are interviewing me and anyone who hires me is lucky to get me. I’m not perfect (no one is) but I’m damn good.