I went to my cousin’s wedding yesterday. It was probably the most fun I’ll ever have at a wedding which is due in large part to the fact that my cousin and his wife are really fun people. And while their friends were nice enough they were a little to focused hockey, but when a large number of the friends at a wedding have a particular context for connecting with the bride and the groom lots of emphasis on that context is to be expected.
It was a short ceremony; from the bride’s entrance to “I now pronounce you man and wife” took all of 12 minutes and they’d only actually slotted 15 so scheduling was good on that. What was also good was how they structured the pre-wedding and after wedding events. Five words to make your pre-wedding time less painful for your guests: cocktail hour and open bar.
Yes, that’s right: the wedding started at 3:45pm and cocktail hour, complete with hotel staff circulating trays of hors d’oeuvres, started at 3pm. That gave folks incentive to show up on time and it also gave them something to do even if, like me, they didn’t do all that much imbibing. Also nice, because they didn’t ask for any gifts (they have, after all, been living together for two years so what do they really need from us), and because she’s a teacher markers, colored pencils and 5×8 index cards were provided so we could create our own good wishes cards while we waited. This also gave the literal children something to do.
What’s more, the open bar continued immediately after the ceremony in the ballroom where dinner was to be served. So in the time it took us to find seats and get additional drinks, they took their wedding photos. None of this standing around for an hour while they got photographed. Another 15 minutes max for the half dozen photos they knew they wanted. It didn’t hurt, either, that their wedding party consisted of two people – a bride’s man of honor and a groom’s best woman. Dinner was buffet style and the staff was very responsive to requests – replacement of a dropped fork, more water, cream for the coffee – and that’s really what I wanted to write about.
Even though hotel staff members at these events are getting paid, and likely getting a tip from the family or from the bride and groom themselves, they aren’t getting paid much. Having spent some time in Europe where tipping is largely frowned upon, I spent a lot of time thinking about just how Americans tip and how to do it right.
Americans tend to tip either grudgingly (throwing change or a buck into the near ubiquitous tip jar that appears on coffee shop counters) or in secret (right on the bill before we sign our name to the charge slip) so that the person we’re tipping doesn’t know who much or little we’ve left until we’re gone. The exchange of actual cash hand to hand happens in fairly rarefied situations and being able to do it well is in reality a very easy task to master.
First, you have to know yourself. Are you cheap? Are you overly generous? Are you trying too hard to seem like something or someone you’re not? This is probably the hardest part of the task because it’s the one that you have to master in order to figure out how much to tip. If you’re cheap it’s likely you won’t consider tipping people who should be tipped, or you’ll grudgingly give them an amount that isn’t appropriate. If you’re overly generous it can also be insulting as, depending on the situation, it make seem like you’re trying to buy the person instead of thanking them for a job well done.
The woman assigned to the tables my family was seated at yesterday worked hard, and she did it unobtrusively which is something I value pretty highly which influenced the amount of money I passed on. Know yourself, and you’ll be able to better balance your instincts against the service you got to determine the appropriate amount.
Second, realize the person you’re tipping is a human being. Treat them with respect when you deliver the tip. Don’t wave the money around. Fold it discreetly, thirds will usually do it, so that it fits in the palm of your hand.
Make eye contact and say thank you when you hold out your hand to deliver the tip. This is probably the hardest thing for some one like me to do. Most people who are in jobs where tipping is appropriate will get right away what’s going on, shake your hand and take the folded bill from you without even looking at it.
Pretty simple, right? Yet I’m willing to bet that the only other person who got tipped at this event was the bartender and that’s only because people are accustomed to tipping bartenders. No, tipping shouldn’t be necessary; people who wait tables or clean hotel rooms should be paid a living wage to do those jobs. Right now they aren’t, though, and if you get a handle on the best way to tip them for a job well done you can both walk away with a good feeling.
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