Albert Einstein has been quoted as stating that the most powerful force in the universe is compound interest, that accretion of small bits of money over time adding up to a much larger sum than the average mind can grasp. It has also been said that water weareth away stone and that over time a little stream created the Grand Canyon. Granted, “over time” was probably a billion or so years, but time and constant influence, nonetheless, changed the landscape in the American southwest, well, for my personal forever at any rate. These two aphorisms and a strategic question from a friend got me to thinking about the people in our lives that influence us which led me to a much larger, much more relevant question.
Life is a series of interactions, both intentional and casual, that range in intensity and influence. Like a pinball we go through life bumping against other people learning lessons consciously or unconsciously from every single person we encounter. Your interactions with the other people on the subway, in the grocery store, or at the news stand generally fall at the low end of the influence scale. Your interactions with your parents, teachers, or your lovers generally fall at the higher end of the influence scale.
So when do we stop being directly influenced by the people who have rubbed against us, literally or figuratively, in our lives? When do these people cease to be relevant?
When does an ex stop being an ex? When you stop thinking of her? When you stop worrying that you’re going to run into her in places you both used to frequent? When one of you moves away?
When does it cease to matter that your father was an alcoholic bastard who chose to walk away or your mother was a total bitch who took her frustrations with her life out on her kid with her fists?
In short, when do you start being responsible for who you are instead of being a collection of influences and lessons aggregated over time?
American culture is riddled with “woe is me” hand to the back of the forehead victim posturing. I used to think that it started in 1979 with Dan White claiming diminished capacity in the murders of George Moscone and Harvey Milk. Having considered it further I think that was just the tipping point into the larger stream of consciousness of an idea that already existed. Stephen Sondheim gave us the perfect litany of “I’m not responsible and here’s why” lyrics in the song “Gee, Officer Krupke” from West Side Story. It debuted on September 26, 1957.
Perhaps it’s personal responsibility that is the myth. Maybe Americans have always been willing to blame, to point to some past influence and say “How can I be expected to overcome that?” But in order to do that finger pointing don’t we first have to have the self-awareness to look back at our relationships and figure out how we’ve behaved in them and what lessons we took away from them? And don’t we at some point, in order to be complete human beings, have to take that extra step and say “I acted that way because I chose to act that way and for no other reason” ?
Identity is a slippery thing. In a globalizing world it’s not really possible to base the totality of your identity on your native culture (more thoughts on this here) and sex and gender become increasingly complicated in a world where someone born female who still possesses female sexual biology can reasonably and acceptably label himself a gay man.
So what is it that makes us who we are? I don’t think it’s a single origin answer but I do know I’ll be thinking about it more and I know there will be a lot more from the Department.