Special Relativity

by Snoron.comEinstein’s Special Theory of Relativity in part states that a moving clock ticks slower than a stationary clock. The theory goes that as a clock’s velocity increases it continues to measure time at a slower and slower rate until it reaches the speed of light at which point it stops altogther. I hold that Einstein didn’t have to do a lot of complicated math to figure this out. All he had to do was talk with a four year-old and someone middle aged.

Remember how important that half year was before you got to school? You were never going on three, or four. No, you were four and a half. That half became crucial at some point in early childhood. It separated you from the younger kids, the babies, who weren’t as grown up as you and didn’t get to do as many things. That half was important probably from when you were old enough to answer the question about your age until you were about nine or ten.

That half year stopped mattering somewhere around puberty when we all started measuring in bigger, societal driven milestones like getting a driver’s license, or being able to vote, or drink, or join the military without parental permission. And for most of us that half year pretty much ceased to exist once we turned twenty-one. Then something strange started to happen: those societal milestones we measure by started to be ones we dread.

  • You’re twenty five – Oh, the quarter century report must be due [wink wink].
  • You’re thirty – Are you planning on having kids? Getting a “real job?” Buying a house?
  • You’re thirty-five: What? You still haven’t had kids yet? Isn’t your clock ticking?
  • You’re forty: Well, they say forty is the new thirty. And you get all this wisdom in your forties that you didn’t have before.

There’s no point in mumbling it any more I turned 45 last August, and it kinda freaked me out. It took me months to figure out why, but I’m fortunate to have wise friends who are just about my age. As we were discussing this turn of events, this random number causing me so much psychic distress, I allowed as how turning thirty had not been a big deal. I had been looking forward to my thirties.

Turning forty also made nary a blip on the psychic radar. It was a relief to leave my thirties, when I made all of my biggest, most catastrophic mistakes, behind to start fresh in a new decade wiser and even more societally invisible than I already was. But forty-five was something else. It wasn’t until my friend R. pointed out why: At 45 I was rounding up to 50 instead of still rounding down to 30.

The Special Theory of [Aging] Relativity is this: Time never moves at the rate you want it to move no no matter what your age.

Four things I know for certain about Ferguson, MO

  1. Being a police officer is a dangerous, underpaid, underappreciated job.
  2. Police forces in this country do not do a good job of screening out the racist, homophobic, power-drunk assholes who think that having a badge and a gun gives them the right to push people around.
  3. Human beings are extremely bad at assessing both risk and probability, and human males in particular often over estimate their personal power and capabilities in conflict situations.
  4. The only possible way we could ever know the facts of what transpired in Ferguson is if both of the parties directly involved had been equipped with chips that recorded full-color video, stereo audio, and fMRI so we could have a record of what each of them saw, heard, and felt during the encounter.

Everything else is speculation.

Happy Birthday to Me

I'm apparently doing something right.

So 45 has kind of been freaking me out.  I'm not really sure why.  Forty wasn't really that big a deal.  Maybe it's because the staff where I worked when I turned 40 included a much broader age range than where I work now.  As I think about it, … [Continue reading]

Happy Midsummer!

midsummer-2104

Yes, I realize it's been forever since I wrote here but that doesn't make midsummer any less important. Thus begins the long, slow slide back toward the dark.  Use the rest of your summer wisely for it is far shorter than you … [Continue reading]

What would Kermit do?

Kermit The Frog

Back in the old days (aka: the 1990s) there was a public meme that grew out of the evangelical Christian community. This meme manifested in a lot of paraphernalia that read "WWJD?" (What would Jesus do?). It was, theoretically, a reminder to folks … [Continue reading]

It’s never the heat

Proportions of total population may vary over time and by locality.

I had a little spat with a co-worker last week. It was 68degF with 60% humidity, which is low for where I live, and he had the air conditioning on. Mind you, the industrial A/C, the big unit that sits outside the building and makes little to no noise … [Continue reading]

Better than The Gap

One of the bon mots of the positive thinking movement goes something like "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with other people's highlight reels." As sayings go and as a product of the positive … [Continue reading]

One ring to rule them all

Yes, this is still hot.

The last three weeks at SmallAgency have been brutal. Not because the management style has changed, and not because we have a client who is being a righteous pain in the ass. The last three weeks have been brutal because I have a co-worker who … [Continue reading]

The Sacred and the Functional

Assassins Guild Diary

I had to redo the binding on my favorite dictionary today. It's a Webster's Seventh Collegiate. I stole it from my step-father when I was in 12th grade. The binding holding the covers onto the inner pages had disintegrated well before I graduated … [Continue reading]

I’m keeping my green crayon

Universe help me but I disagree with Stephen Fry about language. I don't wholly and completely disagree with him so I suppose I'm not damned to linguistic hell where everything is in Textlish or Twitterlish and nothing sings, dances, or rolls off … [Continue reading]